busyness

Let’s all take a moment to appreciate how truly awful I am at managing a blog. In my defense, my only goal with this blog is to help people live authentic lives by putting my authentic self out there. So here I am, my most authentic self, admitting that this blog is a total hobby (aka I cannot commit to posting weekly or even monthly) and I hope my very inconsistent posts still inspire those who choose to read.

My life is crazy busy and sometimes messy - I’m literally writing this post as a fly torments me while I’m waiting on my car to be serviced during my lunch break. I decided to write about busyness because I attempted to create a game-plan for this blog when I started my new job in June. Well - it’s September and my game-plan with consistent dates to post blogs was never implemented. I’m going to carelessly choose to blame busyness for this instead of myself, aka the one who watches Netflix every night.

I try my absolute best to fill my life with a meaningful busy; by that I mean activities and commitments outside of work that fulfill me. I try to fill my time with things that will grow me in some way. Right now my favorite activity is spinning - I’m a crazy person who loves intense spin classes. I found a wonderful job in Cleveland that I’m so excited to grow in and because of it I am seeking new and exciting leadership opportunities in the nonprofit world outside of work. In my eyes, this “busy” is positive - I am being challenged in a healthy way.

Opposite of that, I tend to over-commit to things and then dream about deleting them from my calendar. The hardest lesson I’ve learned is that things keep moving - even when you’re not around to witness them. I came back to Cleveland after San Francisco and everything had changed - my best friend moved back states away (I did it first so I can’t really blame her) and my other amazing friends were experiencing new things (jobs, school, etc.) in their own lives. There were suddenly different people at my old church and there were different circumstances at my old job that I returned to while searching for one in my field (I had to find some way to pay for the mochas that fueled my job search).

Everything was different and it was very unsettling. I can’t say I expected everything to pause while I was away, living my life in San Francisco, but it was a hard lesson to learn - I couldn’t return to the former things and expect them to feel the same. Especially after learning new things about myself from living in California.

This is not meant to be a sad blog so I apologize if it’s coming off that way. In all honesty, I need to reevaluate what is important to me. I came back to Cleveland and now am tasked with figuring out what this city is for me in this season. I had a different type of community when I was living here in college. Now I have a full-time job, I am transitioning to live totally on my own and I am a “real adult” (if that is such a thing) and not a college student working at a sandwich shop. I’m being 100% honest when I say the only thing I returned to in Cleveland that feels the same is Barrio - I ate too many tacos during college and I eat too many tacos now.

I want to give my all to everything I do but sometimes the idea that something is “good” or might produce good fruit in my life hinders me from that. I end up committing to a few “good” things halfheartedly and find that I’m holding myself back from experiencing fulfillment in all areas of my life. I know that sounds out-of-reach - being totally and completely fulfilled by everything on your schedule - but I believe there is fulfillment to be found in every area of your life if you shift your perspective.

Growth happens when you choose to push forward while thinking “but I don’t want to.” Growth happens even though you have an end date and continue to tell yourself “thank God I’m done with this in 8 months.” Either way, you grow - but only if you let yourself.

Growth happens when you choose to live life intentionally; when you reflect and learn from the screw ups and the successes.

So here I sit, finishing this blog post as my car is still being serviced on my lunch-less lunch break, hoping to shift my own perspective so I can begin enjoying all of the commitments I have made. I hope you choose to do the same!

change

I must be the worst writer out there – I left this poor blog in the dust while I was out living my life. By that I mean that somehow, in my running around, I never set aside time to write for the blog I was so excited to start. It baffles me that I wrote more consistently while I was a full-time college student working on the side than when I was simply working. This post will serve as a life update of sorts. I say this as I am writing in a coffee shop in Ohio, jobless and on my way to possibly (and hopefully) moving to the East Coast – okay, “life update” may be an understatement.

About a month ago I made the decision to pack up my car and move out of San Francisco. I absolutely adored my time there. I established myself well and made wonderful friends. I had five (plus a few) awesome roommates and a relatively full schedule. I left for numerous reasons but mainly because my job had died down to nothing – not a great thing when you are a new grad trying to actually *do* something with your degree. A lot happened that contributed to this decision, but just know this – I made the choice to chase down my dreams regardless of what my current life situation looked like.

SF was many things to me – my first home away from home, the place that taught me new things about myself, that tested my boundaries and comfort zone. Most of all, SF will always be the city that proved to me I am capable of great things. I found my true self there and learned that I can do more than I originally thought possible; I can choose myself and chase the greatest desires of my heart despite what my fears tell me. We all deserve this – the chance to choose ourselves and explore our dreams and desires.

To be honest, I didn’t know what my specific dreams and desires were. I wanted a fulfilling job, good friends and to live confidently in who I was made to be. What I didn’t know was what job I wanted to do, what kind of friends I needed to surround myself with and I only knew a little about myself/who I wanted to be.

Let me start by saying San Francisco is a totally different world. I lived with chill, carefree surfers, babysat for someone who worked for Google and his wife who is a CFO at her company, and made friends with everyone in between. I loved the diversity there and the culture – because there is no single culture. Everything mixes quite beautifully and it was so easy to weave in and out of each group I associated myself with. I will forever speak of my time there as adventurous and exciting; a sweet time of self-realization and growth. I realized I was previously limiting myself. Why? Who knows. All that matters now is how I choose to keep going – but mostly, to keep going.

So here I am, chilling in Cleveland in an effort to regroup and refresh. With all that happened and all that I want to do next, I am choosing to continue looking forward. No regrets, no second guessing myself. I have learned so much in my life already and I am hoping to enjoy this time being jobless with no plan in sight (very contrary to my nature) and simply living out this crazy journey. My faith in God is a huge part of my life because He is my number one supporter and provider; He is my place of comfort and refuge. If He isn’t a part of your life, find yourself a great friend or two to encourage you to choose yourself. Learn to love and appreciate yourself for who you are and who you want to be. Make change in your life if you are feeling the urge. Everyone has access to an endless supply of courage. Everyone is capable of accomplishing great things.

I am really going to try to write more. I will start writing about traveling and the random trips I’ve taken solo and with friends. I want to thank every person who reads my posts for taking time out of your day to do so. I appreciate it more than you know.

vulnerability

I have been on an extreme hiatus, due to some crazy life changes, but am back and writing to you from San Francisco! As I was scrolling through Instagram the other day I stumbled upon two posts talking about authenticity, which of course made me feel super bad that I had totally neglected my blog. Here are the quotes that led me to writing about vulnerability:

..."'Authentic' is not a hashtag - it's a costly decision we make to reduce the distance between the self we want others to see and the one we're left alone with, far from the lens of Instagram, at the end of the day," -Rend Collective

..."Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. The choice to let our true selves be seen," -Danny Silk

A *huge* part of living an authentic life is living out vulnerability. Vulnerability in my eyes is the choice to embrace honesty over pride; to express your true feelings to those you trust without fearing rejection or judgement. Vulnerability is a hard concept because of the fear that comes with being yourself. When you embrace who *you* are, there is a shift that happens in your life.

I truly believe it is important to choose joy. Joy is something bigger than simple happiness - happiness relates to a fleeting emotion but joy is a life sentence. When you make the conscious decision to choose joy over everything else - hate, negativity, sadness (not to be mistaken with depression, the two are quite different) - your life starts to blossom into something greater.

I'll give you an example: finding housing in San Francisco was the most difficult thing I have experienced in my life thus far, no exaggeration, especially with my low AmeriCorps volunteer budget. I only had a sublet for my first month in the city so it was up to me to spend the month of July searching for a new room. I thank God every day that I even found the sublet to begin with. I wasn't able to visit SF before my job began so I had to secure a spot in the city while living in Cleveland, which made the whole situation way harder than it had to be. Choosing joy was not my top priority.

But, vulnerability was. I found myself holding back tears most days as I struggled with feeling so disappointed. I felt that God had totally forgotten about me; that He called me to San Francisco and then neglected to follow through, expecting me to figure it out on my own. I knew at the time that this was a huge lie, but my heart was so hurt. I decided that I had to be honest with people or else I'd feel worse about the situation. If someone asked how I was doing, I would answer "rough" and pray I wouldn't start sobbing out of frustration. I had to be vulnerable with friends and family because I felt like I was cheating myself otherwise. You never know who will step in to help in a time of need.

I noticed during the struggle that, while I thought I had full trust in God, I was actually in a place of lack. I trusted so much that God would come through but I wasn't trusting that He would truly provide what I needed to flourish. I assumed I would have to settle.

Vulnerability came into play again when I was taking on a settling mindset. How could God forget about me after I dropped everything to follow His calling on my life? Vulnerability is a staple in any healthy relationship. How can I expect to trust, love, rely, or share with someone when I'm not being my true self?

This whole experience showed me that God didn't want me to fake it 'til i made it. He used this experience and my relationship with Him to show me how healthy relationships flourish when vulnerability plays a part. The vulnerability I embraced soon turned into joy. Sure, I could have chosen joy during the struggle, but honestly it would have been a front. I didn't feel joy because of the inner turmoil I was experiencing, but I so desperately wanted it. I wanted to laugh in the face of fear and disappointment because I knew I would be okay.

If you take anything away from the inner workings of my mind, I hope it's this: surround yourself with people who push you to be vulnerable and love you because of it - the ones that want to experience joy with you. Choose those who want *you* - the real you. The one you may feel embarrassed to display on Instagram because you fear rejection. Know this: you are worthy. It hurts my heart deeply when I see friends trying to change things about their personalities or bodies because they want to be accepted. True joy comes from within, and you can experience the most joy when you embrace the true you.