I have been on an extreme hiatus, due to some crazy life changes, but am back and writing to you from San Francisco! As I was scrolling through Instagram the other day I stumbled upon two posts talking about authenticity, which of course made me feel super bad that I had totally neglected my blog. Here are the quotes that led me to writing about vulnerability:
..."'Authentic' is not a hashtag - it's a costly decision we make to reduce the distance between the self we want others to see and the one we're left alone with, far from the lens of Instagram, at the end of the day," -Rend Collective
..."Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. The choice to let our true selves be seen," -Danny Silk
A *huge* part of living an authentic life is living out vulnerability. Vulnerability in my eyes is the choice to embrace honesty over pride; to express your true feelings to those you trust without fearing rejection or judgement. Vulnerability is a hard concept because of the fear that comes with being yourself. When you embrace who *you* are, there is a shift that happens in your life.
I truly believe it is important to choose joy. Joy is something bigger than simple happiness - happiness relates to a fleeting emotion but joy is a life sentence. When you make the conscious decision to choose joy over everything else - hate, negativity, sadness (not to be mistaken with depression, the two are quite different) - your life starts to blossom into something greater.
I'll give you an example: finding housing in San Francisco was the most difficult thing I have experienced in my life thus far, no exaggeration, especially with my low AmeriCorps volunteer budget. I only had a sublet for my first month in the city so it was up to me to spend the month of July searching for a new room. I thank God every day that I even found the sublet to begin with. I wasn't able to visit SF before my job began so I had to secure a spot in the city while living in Cleveland, which made the whole situation way harder than it had to be. Choosing joy was not my top priority.
But, vulnerability was. I found myself holding back tears most days as I struggled with feeling so disappointed. I felt that God had totally forgotten about me; that He called me to San Francisco and then neglected to follow through, expecting me to figure it out on my own. I knew at the time that this was a huge lie, but my heart was so hurt. I decided that I had to be honest with people or else I'd feel worse about the situation. If someone asked how I was doing, I would answer "rough" and pray I wouldn't start sobbing out of frustration. I had to be vulnerable with friends and family because I felt like I was cheating myself otherwise. You never know who will step in to help in a time of need.
I noticed during the struggle that, while I thought I had full trust in God, I was actually in a place of lack. I trusted so much that God would come through but I wasn't trusting that He would truly provide what I needed to flourish. I assumed I would have to settle.
Vulnerability came into play again when I was taking on a settling mindset. How could God forget about me after I dropped everything to follow His calling on my life? Vulnerability is a staple in any healthy relationship. How can I expect to trust, love, rely, or share with someone when I'm not being my true self?
This whole experience showed me that God didn't want me to fake it 'til i made it. He used this experience and my relationship with Him to show me how healthy relationships flourish when vulnerability plays a part. The vulnerability I embraced soon turned into joy. Sure, I could have chosen joy during the struggle, but honestly it would have been a front. I didn't feel joy because of the inner turmoil I was experiencing, but I so desperately wanted it. I wanted to laugh in the face of fear and disappointment because I knew I would be okay.
If you take anything away from the inner workings of my mind, I hope it's this: surround yourself with people who push you to be vulnerable and love you because of it - the ones that want to experience joy with you. Choose those who want *you* - the real you. The one you may feel embarrassed to display on Instagram because you fear rejection. Know this: you are worthy. It hurts my heart deeply when I see friends trying to change things about their personalities or bodies because they want to be accepted. True joy comes from within, and you can experience the most joy when you embrace the true you.
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